Do you ever have those bad dreams you just can't wake up from??? I have them often. The most re-occurring ones are actually rather humorous, and I really should probably see a professional about. But this doesn't have much to do with what I'm about to write about.
One of my first posts on this blogsite was in regards to the American Dream/Nightmare. Well, some things have changed since that post. That being - the house is no longer for sale. Did it sell?? Nope. So why did this change then??? Lot's of reasons. All of which all fit together in some sort of small picture, but none of which I'm fully grasping when it comes to a bigger picture. Confused? Me too.
First, I'm fed up with keeping a clean house with 3 small kids. I'm tired of going into panic mode to clean my dark wood floors when someone gives us 25 minutes notice to see the house. I'm out of ideas on where to take the kids when we have a showing. I'm tired of the waste of time it seems to be to have over 20 showings, and no interest. We know we will be traveling to Ethiopia to get Malachi sometime around the end of October. Thus, if the house sold now, we would be closing and moving around that same time ... can you say self-torture??? We are starting to homeschool our kids for the first time ever next week. Plus I've started to watch our neighbors 2 year old one day a week. (It was really fun to have short notice showings w/ 4 small kids around!!) Blah blah blah. Like I said, all of these things make sense to me when I look at the window that is the next 2 or 3 months. And not only do they make sense, but wisdom just speaks to taking the house off the market right now.
What is hardest for me right now, is that I honestly felt that this was the direction that God was leading us. He was, I thought, ASKING me to give up my house (of which I'm rather fond of ... most days). I of course thought that once I surrendered it to Him, He would then take care of the details, which in my mind I guess I thought meant selling it in 2 days or something. The truth in all of that is that He is taking care of the details. The non-truth is what I thought the outcome would be. I'm trying to understand (and be okay with) the fact that sometimes God asks us to do things (okay a lot of times) REGARDLESS of what we think the outcome will be like if we follow. And really, most of the time, the outcome will look nothing like we think it should or would. Ugh....
So I've wrestled a lot the last few weeks. Maybe this seems like a funny thing to wrestle about, but it is still very real to me. I don't understand if we heard wrong, or if this is in fact part of His bigger picture. One thing that I do know, is that God asked me to surrender ... and surrender I did. Perhaps that is all He wanted of me ... to surrender. Perfect!!! I don't have to move again! But then, there is this small issue with the cost of living that I talked about in that first post. What are we to do then??? Well, when God begins to convict, He usually goes all the way. I kinda think that may be what He is doing with me here ... going all the way. (But I've learned to not say for sure that He's doing anything.) There are a lot more things in my life in the way of stuff that I KNOW I could surrender. And will they all add up enough for us to not feel such a pinch in the pocketbook??? Maybe, maybe not. But again, maybe the surrender is all He's asking for. So I will walk this road, and pray that I come out broken and humble and fully thankful in the end (and every day until then). It's a little scary for me to say that right now, seeings how I feel broken to the point of no repair most days lately. Hmmm... but now that I just said that, maybe I'm not supposed to be repaired....
We have a crazy fall in front of us. It's made a little more crazy by my fear that I'm messing it all up. Not just because of the house, but also some other decisions that Aaron and I have made that seem to have turned out to be the wrong ones over the last 2 years. Anyway, like I said, I will begin to homeschool our kids next week ... WHAT AM I THINKING??? I'm so overwhelmed at this decision (that again, I felt God was asking of me) and a little afraid that the state will make Providence re-do 3rd grade. I watch my neighbors daughter 1 1/2 days a week. And my newest venture is going back to Starbucks. I know, I said in that first post I wouldn't do that. Well, the kids won't be in daycare, so we've stuck to OUR conviction on that one. (Please notice the emphasis on OURS ... not what we think anyone else should do.) Instead I will get the pleasure of working 4:30 am to 9 a.m. Good times. I'm good with it though. I know that it is most likely only for a short season. Oh, and I have another child coming ... no big deal. :)
So I will move through my days trusting that the Lord is directing my steps. And while the plans I make may fail, His faithfulness won't. I will continue to ask Him to search me and know me, to see if there is any offensive way in me (cough cough ... $$ related) and lead me in the way everlasting. I will seek guidance and counsel and take the good with the bad knowing that He has a plan that I cannot thwart. And most importantly, I will pray for the breaking to be over with soon, and for His healing hands to make me feel whole and somewhat normal again. One of my biggest prayers through all of this, will still be for the example I lay before my children. May they still know that their memories have not much to do with STUFF, but with the joy that comes from belonging to our family and to our King.
So, I stay stuck in this American Nightmare for a while longer. I know that in all of my decisions, weather I feel they are right or wrong upon looking back on them, that they are STILL part of God's plan for my life, and that He knew long ago that I was going to make them. God is up to something ... I just know it. And my guess is, He probably won't clue me in on it until it is over. But He's God, so He can do that!!