"I want to be more comfortable being uncomfortable."
I read that on another adoptive families blog. It stung. I like being comfortable. Even in having 4 kids with only one income coming in (a life that many would say doesn't sound comfortable) .... I'd say that I'm pretty comfortable. And yet I still manage to make it through most days whining about what I don't have more than being thankful for what I do. I still manage to make it through most days seeking out comfort for myself, rather than dying to myself.
Needless to say, adoption has been on my mind .... a lot. And the desire to bring another child/children into our home is ever increasing. I find myself staring at the waiting child lists praying for one (or two or four) of them to find their place in our family. However, God's plan and timing are not releasing us at this moment to pursue such change. So I find myself left with this confusion of what now. I'm not sure how to even put it into words, which of course is why I find myself blogging. Sorry about that.
There's this huge world that has been opened up before me. This world of poverty and disease, sadness and pain, and millions of fatherless (and motherless) children. Opening my heart to that world has changed me. It's beginning to feel like a disease or an addiction. I just can't break free from it. I don't want to break free from it. For about 6 months after Malachi's homecoming, I actually tried to tell myself that I did my part in caring for the Orphans. Check that off the list ... Only that's not entirely true. God is still calling me to this world. I struggle to know what that looks like if bringing another child home is not TODAY'S solution.
Aaron and I took caution in our hearts several months ago as the talks of if we would adopt again began to surface. We recognized that for us, adoption could easily become an idol. It feels so good to do something so huge ... and yet that cannot be WHY we do it. It seems so right to pursue something that honors God's heart so greatly... and yet that cannot be WHY we do it. We realized that even in all the good that adoption is, for our family, good may look very different. Good may be loving the four children we have, period. Good may be not extending ourselves any further in this way. Good may be paying down debt rather than trying to raise money again for an adoption. Good may be a lot of things. So what then ? What now do I do with this ever increasing, very raw, very painful emotion and longing in my heart. Part of my heart is still in Ethiopia it seems, with near some 5 million orphans. How do I pursue such things without building a home with 4.8 million beds residing in it ?
That's it. That's all I have. These are the things I can't get away from right now. And I don't know what to do with it. While I recognize the need is far too great for me to solve alone, I DO know that I am to be part of this world of children needing to be redeemed and defended. I'm praying He shows me how....... I will not let the needs that are too great for me to do, too great probably to EVER fully be cured until the day He returns, allow me to grow weary or hardened or inactive. I too, want to be more comfortable being uncomfortable which is what I fear is going to be involved.
(p.s. A friend pointed me to this amazing story. A husband and wife who are Aaron & I's age. Had 3 biological children, adopted 3 at once from Ethiopia, went back one more time for 3 more. So great. I'm encouraged just reading stories like this one.)