Aaron and I left all we had ever known and early on in our marriage - were forced to learn to lean on God and each other. We had our first child. I made one of the best friends I will probably ever have. I learned how to cook something other than mac'n'cheese with BBQ sausage (sounds yummy, huh). We lived 7 blocks from the ocean. We learned a lot about ministry, our giftedness, and what was important to us. We got pregnant with our second child....our Glory Baby (Sarah).
It was 10 years ago that we felt that pain of such a deep loss. I would drive a lot during those times. I loved to just get in the car and drive. I would think, sing, pray and NOT do housework (that I was learning as a young bride was never ending). The baby (Providence) would sleep peacefully as I cruised up and down the Parkway.
Fall was AMAZING in New Jersey. It spoiled me forever. Fall in Colorful Colorado is anything but colorful compared to an East Coast fall. I'd drive down the parkway with the beautiful red, orange, yellow and even purple leaves kicking up behind me in the car. I thought that only happened in car commercials with high powered fans. Apparently the car commercials were filmed in NJ.
There was a CD by Watermark (Christy Nockels) that came out shortly before we moved to NJ. I had it on repeat the entire time we lived there. So for some reason, fall and the CD, All Things New, go hand in hand for me. 10 years later, I still pull that CD out every fall. That album also has a song on it called Glory Baby... a song I reference every time I miss my Glory Baby.
I love fall. I love that everything is about to go to sleep for several months. Sometimes I want to go to sleep for several months. I love the smell of fall, the colors of fall, the feel of fall. Today in CO was the first hint of fall for this year. Every year at the start of season, I open up all the windows and let the 50 degree weather flood my house, only to dress up in my sweaters and warm socks. The rest of the family gets annoyed. The kids were walking around the house this morning wearing earmuffs (they aren't still called ear muffs, are they?) and gloves. C'mon ... dramatic much? (I don't know where they get it from.) But I love it.
Today was a sad day for me. We were supposed to be on our way to get our fifth child. We didn't go. It was a cold, dreary day (literally). Malachi didn't want to nap. So my old comfort plan seemed like a good idea.
I loaded up Malachi in the car. (Not as quiet as that babe, Provi ... but with the DVD player and his headphones, I was okay hearing his giggles and "Swiper no swiping!" every now and then.) And so what that I used to drive a little Honda Accord and gas was $.99/gallon and now I drive a Suburban and gas is $3.50/gallon. It was a good use of $40 worth of gas if you ask me. I drove in the cold rain with the windows down ... until the dog tried to jump out. I thanked God for the gloomy day. Had it been a sunshiny day, I probably would've really been depressed. Somehow gloomy days make it okay to be sad. Cold, fall days (even the gloomy ones) truly bring me joy. And any joy was welcomed today.
|my view driving today|
I stopped by Starbucks for the return of the Pumpkin Spice Latte (another joy), and I'm not even afraid to admit that. I popped in the All Things New CD and just drove. I listened to songs that reminded me of those days in NJ. I missed my friend there. Glory Baby came on and I shed some tears for that child I never held 10 years ago. There's a line in the song that says "baby let sweet Jesus hold you, till Mom and Dad can hold you"..... I shed some more tears at having that same sentiment for my Ugandan Sweetie who I am ready to hold.
The song Who Am I/Grace Flows Down came on. The first line says, "over time you've healed so much in me, and I am living proof - that although my darkest hour comes, your light can still shine through". More tears. I thought back to those hard days, to that sweet baby, to our current Sweetie, to many hard things that have been between then and now - and I thanked God that on this gloomy day - His light still shone through to me....that it always has.
God met me where I was today. When I couldn't find him, as always, he found me. Amazing grace indeed.
I couldn't find a good clip of the song, Who Am I/Grace Flows Down... but I did find a horrible one. So I'll post that. (And Aaron was so offended by the clip, that he made me shrink it so you can only play it - not watch it. ha!) Then you should just dig it up on iTunes or something to have in your library for your cold, gloomy days.
Great is His Faithfulness unto me.